I don't know what to say really.

I stood up for something today. Something I fully believed in. I honestly thought that I could make a difference and change something, but it didnt happen. Instead I was told that it wasnt fair and I should just deal with it. Then I was challanged. My commitment, my relationships, my desire was all challenged. I cried. Then I stoped crying and tried to suck it up. Who was he to say these things to me? He wont even give me the time of day. He told me to run away from a job I was so excited about. We talked somemore. I tried my hardest to hold it all back, but I couldnt. I cried even more. Its too much to handle really. This is the point for me not knowing what to say do or feel. I think I'll just quit.

Fears.

Today made me actually confront some of the age old questions about Theatre people. Their morals... or lack there of, and all the other misconceptions of us. It hurts to find that some people find us so shallow. Do they not see the hard work that we put on stage for them? Thats a whole nother story I supose.

This blog is about fear. Fears that I didnt know I had until today. Let me start by saying I have a wonderful life. I have the best husband in the world. Great parents who have supported me in everything I have done. My in-laws are the best in the world. No, none of my fears come from this. They spring from an even more frightening place. The place of uncertentiy. I have no idea if May 4 is going to bring me joy, a great job, or send me to a horrible place of despair, sense of uselessness, and even more fear. I want this job more than anything in the world. I doubt that I'm the only one who understands the urgency I feel to have a job to support my family, to pay my bills. I feel that if I dont get this job, I am not validated as an artist, a theatre student, or as a person for that matter. I feel as if this job will tell me that all the years of schooling and training will seal the deal for me.

There is more, but It will have to wait. Things to do and places to be hold me back from saying things I mean.